Preparing to be a parent

In the spirit of wrapping up our foster classes, we have a few tasks ahead of us to prepare us to be a parent.

1. Create 4-5 house expectations and have it ready to post in the new house.

2. Create a chore chart - We liked the idea of the common expected things (putting toys away, making bed, putting clothes in hamper) and then having some choices to earn an allowance or privilege or prize. Depending on the age of the child, it will determine the choices.

3.  Create routine schedules for morning, night, during the day with dad (if the child is not school age, after school routine if they are), and a routine for Saturday and one for Sunday.

4. Create how-to charts for: getting dressed, taking a bath, appropriate touch

5. Create a tackle list - which parent will do what and when for different chores, child tasks, etc.

6. Start planning weekly/monthly meals and create usual grocery list in order of the grocery store (to save on time! I might even try that drive through pick up :-) )

7. Deciding when and if we will use daycare (it is covered through DSS but we may just use it for 3 hours)



I've copied our foster/adoption letter to friends and family at the end of this post for your viewing. Some key things are mentioned, but as you take a look at our registry (Amazon and Buy Buy Baby), there are some different items you might not usually see, that are needed for us to foster.

*Fire extinguishers
*Lock boxes for each person's medication
*Safe
*Trash cans with lids (for our bathrooms)
* Smoke/carbon detectors (2-4, one on each floor and possibly in each child's room)
*Suitcases for the children (in case they go back to their family, they asked us to not use bags)
* Night lights 
* Back packs/bags for kids to take to their visits, especially if their visit is farther away, they can entertain themselves in the car ride)
* First Aid Kit

Also, we will be having both weekly family meetings and game nights, so toddler/preschool board games would be helpful.


Another important note, is that while we will have a foster shower upon the completion of our 3 home visits, we will not have a big celebration when the child arrives. We must first build a routine and provide safety and security to the child. After they are settled in, we will have a casual family/friend cookout. We will plan a big celebration once our adoption is finalized.


Letter to friends and family:

General Information About Foster Care

· We are requesting ages 0-3, male first, then female. We will need to purchase a 2^nd bedroom set of items for our 2^nd placement (which we could be placed with at anytime)

· We have one more step in the licensing process: the home study, we will have 3 home visits in 3 weeks.

· We are hoping to be fully licensed by mid-April/early-May and could receive a placement any time after that.

· We have plenty of clothes for children 0-5 for boys and girls as well as children’s books, so please think about purchasing other needed items instead. Our needs by priority are: Safety/Child proofing, strollers/carseat items, medical/hygiene/cleaning care items, feeding items, and last, room items.

·         Instead of cards, books, or diapers, we are asking for games or arts/craft supplies instead so that we can spend time with the child and build a relationship.

  · The average placement lasts about a year, but it could be any amount of time from 1 day to several years. We must foster for 6 months before adoption will be allowed.

· A child could be placed into foster care for a variety of reasons, but the most common reasons are: medical or food neglect, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. Infants-toddlers have much more of a delay developmentally (up to 6 year delay) when taken from their mother or home than an older child might have (2 year delay) as this is considered a trauma for them. Some children may be anxious around yelling, loud voices, and even pets.

· The state’s goal of foster care is for reunification between the child and biological parent. If the parent keeps falling through with their court-ordered action plan, then parental rights might be terminated (usually after about a year of non-compliance). There is also the hope of the parent signing over the rights.

· It is illegal for a foster child to be spanked or physically punished in any way.

Anticipate the Foster Child To...

· Spend time grieving for the loss of their parents, siblings, school, toys, and pets.

· Likely be devastated when first placed in our home (even though we will be elated at our chance to help the child).

· Be very well behaved but become more transparent when the "honeymoon period" expires. 

· Act out (shouting, screaming, or bad language).  Why? It's often due to trauma recovery or reactive attachment disorder (not because they need a “good spanking”).

· Hoard/hide food or toys (possibly steal food or toys) due to past trauma or lack of having enough food.

· Be anxious about being in the restroom or bath due to past trauma.

· Not be very verbal due to being developmentally behind.

· Possibly be vastly more mature or more immature than other kids their age (depending on the type and level of neglect/abuse they may have experienced.)

· Possibly look and act just like any other child! :)

Anticipate Us (as Parents) To...

· Appear extremely overprotective with the foster child.  Why? Many foster children need a stronger sense of stranger danger, and we also have a much higher legal obligation to be more protective.

· Need a lot of emotional support if the child goes back to the biological parents.

· Be very vague and private about the child's past and current therapy progress (due to privacy laws).  We cannot share any private information about the child unless it's something you'd need to know to keep the child safe - this is a legal requirement, like HIPAA for doctors or FERPA for teachers.

· Not be able to make plans for any vacations or nights out.  We are not allowed to leave the child (even for a short amount of time with a babysitter) for the first 40 days they're with us. Higher standards for foster care babysitting include federal/state background checks, medication training, CPR and first aid, and a foster child babysitter must be at least 15 years old, etc.

· Need your emotional support, prayers, and words of encouragement, as this will be a very hard transition for us, but even harder for the child.

· Not share pictures of the child's face online due to privacy laws (unless an adoption is finalized).

Ways You Can Help Us

· Know that parenting a foster child (much less an older, abused foster child) is drastically different than parenting that was likely required for your child.  Think about how your life was completely changed when you had 9 months to plan for a baby and several more months before they started walking.

· Understand when we decline an offer for you to watch them for a few minutes (we have legal requirements for any short or long term babysitting). However, we would love for you to become a foster-qualified babysitter! If you want more information, please let us know; we hope to put a link in our blog to our foster agency that has more information about this.

· Ask the child about their interests and list of favorites but not questions about their past.  As the
foster parents, we have also been asked to not probe into their past because this should be done each week with their therapist.

· If you have your own children, please strongly consider the following before sharing that our special visitor is a foster child: your child’s maturity level, ability to keep private information confidential, and your willingness to educate your child about the implications of misspoken words toward a foster child.  We understand that children are curious; please see the link below for advice regarding this.

· If you see the child misbehaving, and we don't see it, please do not reprimand or punish the child in our absence. Because we can't share the child's specific history of abuse, current therapy recommendations, or social/behavioral action plan goals, it is important for us to know what happened but be the one to deliver the consequence. We really want to know from you if you see misbehavior (or really great behavior) because we need your help in knowing where our child needs support or praise.  Let us know because every choice the child makes is an opportunity for us to connect with the child and build trust or lose their trust, and we don't want to compromise it due to a different parenting style.

Ways Well-Intended People Actually Harm a Foster Child’s Progress

· Ask the child about their past.

· Say anything bad about the biological parents (either in front of the child OR in the absence of the child).

· Ask the child about future adoption plans or give false expectations about being with us long term.  These are out of our hands, and even if an adoption looks nearly final, there is still a good chance it will fall through if the state finds a distant relative before the official adoption date.

· Pick up or carry the child or offer them treats without privately checking with us first.

· Say things like "You're so lucky to be with your new family."  It is natural for foster children to grieve the loss of their biological family, even if there was good reason the child was removed from the home.  Statements like this can make the child feel guilty about feeling sad or resentful that others do not understand how hard the transition is for them.

· For another foster parent's perspective on what she wishes other people knew about foster children and foster parenting, visit this website:
http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2013/03/12/what-foster-parents-wish-other-people-knew/

· For advice from another foster parent in educating or talking with your own children about adoption, visit this website:
http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/07/parents-please-educate-your-kids-about.html?m=1

We hope this information is helpful for you as our friends and family. Thank you so much for supporting us as our dream comes true!